To Market, To Market
by weisjak
Summary: Snape and McGonagall take a trip to the grocery store.
1. Chapter 1

disclaimer: These characters are borrowed from JK Rowling. The plot resembles my life and since I frequent American grocery stores the store depicted is a mixture of Shaw's and Hannaford's. I have no idea what they sell in British grocery stores so please excuse the blatant use of American products.

To Market, To Market  
Chapter 1

They smelled it before they had even entered the room. Professors McGonagall and Snape trudged into the Great Hall one beautiful, sunny, summer day prepared to face their lunch. Dumbledore and the rest of the staff who spent their summers at Hogwarts had already taken their places at the table. The two late teachers sat down and sighed as their lunches appeared before them.

Eggplant casserole.

Eggplant casserole everyday of the week, except on Sundays when they had potroast. Professor McGonagall hated potroast just slightly less than she hated eggplant casserole.

"Is there something wrong, Severus," asked Dumbledore, who had noticed that Snape was not eating his food, but merely creating little mounds of caserole on his plate. He was quiet for a moment before answering. Suddenly he jumped up from his chair and threw his fork into the table.

"Eggplant casserole!" shouted Snape. "I hate eggplant casserole! That's what's wrong. From this day forth I'm going to starve to death unless I get something else to eat!"

The other teachers were somewhat taken back by this outburst, but they were not too worried. They had become used to Snape's fits and attributed them to what they presumed was his slightly unbalanced mind. Dumbledore looked at him calmly through his half moon spectacles.

"Don't be childish, Severus. Mrs. Putterbit works very hard to cook us a lovely meal each day. It's not her fault that Fang ate out most of the pages of her recipe book. And how could I say no when the house elves asked for a vacation. They haven't had one in years and they work so hard throughout the term, not even taking a holiday at Christmas."

"Headmaster, couldn't you have at least hired a cook who could cook?"

"I think Mrs. Putterbit's eggplant casserole is quite good, actually," put in Professor Flitwik. "Although, six days a week may be overdoing it a little."

"Severus," said Dumbledore sternly, "if you can't say something nice about Mrs. Putterbit's cooking please remain silent on the subject. The poor woman has a low enough self esteem."

"But she's completely incompetent in the kitchen," cried Snape angrily. "How hard is it to make spaghetti? It's not hard at all! Yet she can't do it! She can barely make toast. She burns it when she tries. I can't deal with having eggplant casserole for breakfast anymore."

Professor McGonagall decided it was time to interject Snape's tirade. "Headmaster," she said when Snape paused to breath, "although I respect your decisions I must agree with Severus on this one."

"I can't fire Mrs. Putterbit," said Dumbledore. "Her self confidence would be completely ruined."

"Maybe if we bought her another cookbook," suggested Professor Sprout.

"Too late!" came a wail from the doorway. Mrs. Putterbit stood with tears in her eyes looking at the teacher's table. "You don't like my cooking," she sobbed. "Don't bother to fire me. I'll save you the trouble and quit! No one ever likes my cooking, now what will I do? How will I live without a job?" At that she went into hysterics and Professor Sprout and Madame Hooch rushed to help her down to the hospital wing for a sedative.

Dumbledore turned to Snape. His eyes were hard. "Well, thank you for causing that delightful scene. Unless Mrs. Putterbit agrees to stay with us after she has calmed down, we may all starve to death now. The only decent thing you can do is apologize to that poor woman. That is not a suggestion, it is an order."

"Yes, sir," said Snape through gritted teeth. He was not good at apologies, and he didn't regret anything he had said. He had merely been stating facts. Dinner was finished quietly after that although neither Professor McGonagall or Snape ate much. Professor McGonagall was seriously thinking about employing the Gryffindor/Slytherin competitiveness to the situation by trying to beat Snape at starving to death. She wasn't sure how much longer she could take eggplant casserole for breakfast either. As she walked up to her room afterwards she thought about bacon and eggs, blueberry pancakes with syrup and whipped cream, french toast, and big belgian waffles covered in fresh fruit. She slept peacefully that night dreaming of donuts and green tea.

Snape brushed his teeth with the minty freshest toothpaste he could find and went to bed in a bad mood. He woke up no better. He didn't go to the Hall for breakfast, instead he went straight to the kitchen to see if he could find Mrs. Putterbit. She sat staring at her feet with a cup of coffee. Snape was unsure of how to approach the sbject. He hardly ever had to apologize even when he was wrong. Usually the situation was solved when he glared at the other person and they ran away.

"Uh, ...Mrs. Putterbit?..." She didn't look up. "Um... I must apologize for what I said about your cooking last night. I'm sorry."

Well, that was that. He had done what he was ordered to do and now he was going to go back to the dungeons and brew something nasty that would stink up the place and make everyone avoid going down to socialize with him. No one ever did want to socialize with him anyway, but he continued to brew his bad smelling potions just in case anyone woke up feeling incredibly friendly one morning. It had happened before. During his third year of teaching he was often bothered by Professor Crambleroot who enjoyed spending time with the potions master and quoting Dr. Suess. Unfortunately, Professor Crambleroot was impervious to many of the most awful smells that Snape could think up due to the fact that his nose had been injured in a apparating accident and his sense of smell seemed no longer to work. It was only when Snape discovered Professor Crambleroot's hayfever that he was able to get rid of his unwanted colleague by decorating the dungeons with as many daisies and buttercups that he could find on the grounds of Hogwarts. While many of the Slytherin students resented the new decor, Snape was quite happy with it as Professor Crambleroot had soon stopped showing up at his door.

It was mid-afternoon and Snape had spent the day in his dungeons. The smell was horrible, reflecting his mood. He was hungry and the minty freshness of his toothpaste had long worn off. He refused to go up to the Great Hall looking for lunch though. Since he had so clearly stated his determination to starve, he couldn't back down now. He was just about to add some more dragon scales to his brew when there came a knocking on his door. Snape was surprised to find the entire Hogwarts staff standing on the other side. They wrinkled their noses at the fumes emmitting from the cauldron he had been working in.

"It seems that Mrs. Putterbit had an epiphany during her third cup of coffee this morning," Dumbledore stated, ignoring the stench. "She has decided to quit her job as our cook so that she can pursue her childhood dream of marrying a rich business man and spending her remaining days sunning herself in Spain and on the Riviera. She realized that she wasn't very happy being a cook and began to worry that if she didn't quit soon she'd end up being bitter and lonely like you."

Snape wanted to protest that he wasn't bitter and if they insisted on being in the dungeons he couldn't very well be lonely either.

"So, after much deliberation we have unanimously come up with the perfect solution to our meal problem. Since there is no more cook and we are all hungry because of you, it has been unanimously decided that you should make dinner tonight. And breakfast in the morning, and lunch tomorrow, and so on."

Snape stared at the headmaster for a moment allowing a slow smirk to spread over his face. Maybe he wouldn't have to starve after all. Now he could eat some actual food. He'd have to cook it himself, true, but at least there'd be no more eggplant casserole on the menu. The smirk got bigger. He was in control of what everyone ate each day. He couldn't remember the last time he had had that much power. He felt it surge through him. Yes! He was in control for once!

Dumbledore smiled as if knowing what was going through Snape's mind.

"I suggest that as new commander of the kitchens you take a little jaunt to the grocery store. It would take too much time to peruse the markets in Diagon Alley so I suggest you go to the Muggle store just west of here. I think you'll find a nice selection there," the old wizard said. "Minerva has offered her help in the procurement and preparation of food."

Still smiling Dumbledore turned away from the dungeons to find some fresh air. Many of the teachers had already made their escape. Only Professor McGonagall remained.

"We're not going anywhere until you stop smelling like a skunk." she told her colleague brisquely. "Go take a shower. Here's some scented soap, you're going to need it. I'll start drawing up a grocery list."


	2. Chapter 2

To Market, To Market  
Chapter 2

Professor McGonagall turned away from the dungeons and went up to her office, glad to be out of Slytherin territory and in her own space in Gryffindor Tower where it smelled sweeter and the sunlight was welcomed with open arms. She changed into an old skirt and blouse which she wore when taking a trip to the muggle world. Then, sitting down at her desk Professor McGonagall pulled out a piece of parchment and a quill. She remembered her scrumptious dreams of the night before. Starting there she began to make her list.  
Bacon  
Eggs  
Pancake mix  
Butter  
Maple Syrup  
Fresh Strawberries

By the time Snape arrived she was almost finished planning all three meals for the next four days. She opened the door to find him also wearing his one muggle outfit, consisting of a pair of worn jeans and a dark button up shirt. His damp hair hung in strands around his face and he smelled slightly of lilac.

"Oh, good you used the soap I gave you." Lilac was Professor McGonagall's favorite scent and she had decided that if she was going to spend time with Snape there might as well be something about him that she liked, even if it was the soap he had used. She didn't particlularly enjoy his company or his personality, but for a few good meals she was willing to put up with them for a time.

"I've already made a list so let's get going," said Professor McGonagall as she picked up her hat and cloak. Then thinking better of it she put back the cloak.

"What?!" said Snape putting on his grumpy face. "I'm pretty sure I was voted into the position of Food Provider. You, as I remember, are merely a voluntary assistant at my disposal."

Professor McGonagall tapped her foot impatiently. "Don't look so offended, Severus. As a senior staff member I believe I am quite capable of drawing up a menu for us, but of course, since I am here only to 'assist', you may look over my 'suggestions' and have the final decision."

Snape scanned the parchment she held out for him, but didn't argue with any of the items it contained. He did, however, add the words "and blueberries" next to the sixth item listed. Then they were off. It was a silent walk to the edge of the schools grounds where they disapparated. They appeared behind a dumpster next to the store and walked in trying to look incredibly normal. Professor McGonagall's hat didn't help, but she didn't like to go anywhere without her hat.

They started with the vegetables. Peppers of all colors, cabbage, squash, zuchinni, and tomatoes.

"How are we paying for this?" Snape asked, hoping he wasn't expected to feed everyone on his wages.

"The headmaster gave me part of the funds meant for food," Professor McGonagall answered. "Mrs. Putterbit didn't use up much so we don't really have to budget yet. I think I'll get some carrots."

Snape followed her to the carrots, but she shooed him away. "Go start on the fruit. It doesn't take two people to get carrots."

Snape started towards the apples and oranges. He picked up a couple apples and started tossing them in the air to test their juggability.

"Severus, stop that," scolded Proffessor McGonagall as if she were talking to a child. "You are not a circus clown."

Snape was about to scowl at her for using that tone on him, but something caught his eye.

Exotic Fruit.

In the middle of the fruits and vegetables section there stood a cart and a potted tree with a big sign that said "Exotic Fruit." Unable to help himself, Snape went to look at what kind of foreign fruit he could buy. Asian Pears, mangoes, star fruits, papayas, oh the choices! Proffesor McGonagall had by this time noticed the display also and was putting kiwis into a plastic bag.

"I love kiwis," she told Snape. They walked around to the other side of the cart. 

"Which type of coconut should we get?" asked Snape.

"You want a coconut?"

"Yes. I think we should get two, actually. And a pineapple."

"Two pineapples and some plantains."

"I've always wanted to try a star fruit. When you slice them up the pieces are shaped like a star." Snape read the label next to the fruit. "Slightly acidic in taste, ripe when yellow." He put some star fruits in a bag.

"What's the difference between a water coconut and a regular coconut?" asked McGonagall.

"Let's get one of each and find out."

They spent too much time at the exotic fruit cart and when they finally tore themselves away from it they had bagged much too much fruit.

"No more distractions," the Proffesors vowed.

"What's this?" asked Snape pointing at a bag of biscuits.

"Cookie of the month," Proffesor McGonagall read on the label. "German chocolate chip. Oooooh. They look tasty don't they?" 

She put two bags in their shopping cart and they moved on. They were halfway down the list when there occured a problem.

"Severus, there's no more room for food in the cart. Go get another."

The problem was soon solved. All went well for five minutes more with Proffesors Snape and McGonagall each pushing their carts down the aisle.

"We need some condiments," said McGonagall looking at the list. Snape began putting mayonaise and relish in his cart. McGonagall stopped him as he reached for the mustard.

"No, not French's. I prefer spicy brown mustard."

"What's wrong with French's?"

"Nothing, but I prefer spicy brown mustard."

"Is French's not good enough for you?" sneered Snape.

"It's nothing of the sort. I just enjoy the taste of spicy brown mustard more than I enjoy French's."

"It's snobby mustard, you know."

"What?"

"Spicy brown mustard, look at it in it's little glass jar. Plastic containers not good enough for it? I tell you, it's uppity. It thinks it's better than the other mustards. And look how little the jar is, as if it's some rare delicacy. You get less product for the same price as you would the other mustards."

"Severus, I don't care what kind of jar it comes in, I like the taste."

"Fine, you can take your snobby spicy brown mustard, but I'm getting French's, simple and yellow. Mustard is supposed to be yellow."

"That's enough condiments I think," said McGonagall pulling Snape and his cart towards another aisle. They checked off some more items on their list before coming to the cereal aisle.

"Cereal, cereal," sang McGonagall.

"Look at all the different kinds!" said Snape in awe.

"Let's see, I think Poppy likes Cheerios, but Flitwik only eats cereals with a lot of sugar, so maybe we should get some Fruit Loops too."

"I've always wanted to try the one with the sailor on the box," said Snape scanning the rows and rows of cereal.

"Oh, yes, Captain Crunch," said McGonagall as she added a box of it to her cart. "I suppose we can indulge you. But for the rest of us I think we should get some more adult cereals, like some Great Grains and Kellog's Special K." More boxes were tossed into the carts.

"What's next on the list?" asked Snape as they continued down the aisle.

"All we need now is some bread and the dairy products."

"Good. I'm getting really hungry."

They turned and started down the next aisle.

"Oh look, Severus, shampoo," cried McGonagall slowing down. "Do you need any? They have some lovely scents."

"Are you implying something?" Snape asked slightly offended.

"No, but your hair is rather long and whatever you're using now doesn't seem to be doing the job. Maybe you should try something advertised to make hair silky and shiny. Here's some Herbal Essences, they're always nice." McGonagall stopped in front of one of the shelves. It was hard to tell because her hair was usually in a bun under her hat, but it was always silky and shiny, she took great care in that. Snape tried to pass her and keep walking but she grabbed his cart before he was out of reach.

"Come on, Severus. It'll be my treat."

"You couldn't just get me a lollipop or something?"

"Suave has some good scents too. What about Passion Flower? No, on second thought that doesn't seem to be you. Here, how about Fresh Mountain Strawberry?"

Snape was starting to scowl.

"No, Minerva. I don't need woman's shampoo, now lets go." Then something caught his eye. Green. Hmm. That looked kind of interesting. He grabbed the bottle and threw it in McGonagall's cart.

"Green Apple! Good choice!" she exclaimed.

They had soon reached the breads. The smell of the bakery caught their noses and they both picked up speed.

"I love bread," said McGonagall. "They completely ruined the food pyramid when they took the grains off the bottom and lessened the serving amount."

"Remember the time Sprout tried that silly no carbohydrates diet?" Snape asked as he picked out some baguettes.

"Oh, yes. That didn't work out very well did it?"

"I didn't know you could go through bread withdrawal. She was hallucinating for at least two days."

"How about some pumpernickel?" 

"That's fine for toast, but not too good for sandwiches."

"Well, we'll get some oatmeal and wheat bread also."

They wandered though the pastry section each trying to covertly add sticky buns and danishes to their carts.

"Are you sure we need one of those, Minerva?" asked Snape when he caught her trying to hide a cake under a bag of carrots. Sheepishly she put it back. At last they were done. They made their way to the check out counters.

"Here's some of the money Albus gave me," said McGonagall as she took some bills out of her purse. "You get in that line and I'll get in that one down there. This way we'll be done faster and we can go make dinner."

Snape pushed his cart into the line McGonagall had pointed him to and began unloading his cart. He discreetly placed the cake he had hidden under the zuccinni out of McGonagall's view. He planned on smuggling that cake into the dungeons and not sharing with anyone else. The cashier raised her eyebrows at the amount of food Snape was taking out of his cart, but just popped her gum and rang up all the items without commenting. 

It took a while, but they finally both made it past the check-out.

";Oh, look!" cried Snape spotting the prize machines. "Let's see if they have sticky wickies."

"Sticky wickies?" asked McGonagall dubiously. The words sounded strange coming out of Snape's mouth.

"Drat! They don't have a Sticky Wicky machine," said Snape scanning the offered prizes. "But those stickers are pretty attractive."

Professor McGonagall looked at the stickers. They were colorful and shiny and they all depicted cute, fuzzy animals.

"Aww, look at the bunny," said McGonagall.

Snape narrowed his eyes at her. "I'm not talking about those stickers. Look at these ones."

McGonagall glanced over to where Snape was pointing. There was indeed another sticker machine, but they weren't as interesting. Just dragon stickers.

"Well, I want a bunny," said the Transfiguration teacher pulling out her change purse. Snape reached into his pocket and they both inserted some coins. Out popped a dragon and a puppy. Puppies are good, but bunnies are better. Both professors decided to try again. Seven stickers later McGonagall had finally gotten her bunny and Snape had run out of change. Yet it seemed a shame to stop there. There were only a couple stickers they hadn't gotten out of each machine and they had soon realized that the sticker machines worked in cycles. Every sticker popped out once in a specific order and then the series started again. Handing Snape some more coins McGonagall kept turning out the stickers until the puppy came back out and she had a complete set of cute, fuzzy animal stickers.

Finally the professors decided that it was time to push their carts to a discreet distance away from the store and shrink their food to pocket size.

"I'm running out of pockets, Minerva. Do you think you could shrink the bags any smaller?"

"You don't suppose we bought too much food do you?"

"Of course not. There's a lot of staff to feed."

"Here's the last of them. Just take two bags in each hand."

There was a cracking as they both apparated to the gate outside of Hogwarts. They strolled up the grounds and made their way to the kitchen where they set to work resizing and reorganizing all the food.

"Alright, Severus, let's make some lasagna!"


	3. Chapter 3

To Market, To Market  
Chapter 3

That night the whole staff was delighted with the new meal plan. They were even more delighted to hear about the pancakes for breakfast. After dinner Snape and McGonagall agreed to set their alarm clocks for 7:00 AM so they could have the pancakes ready for everyone at breakfast. Then they parted, each tired after a long day of grocery shopping.

The next morning McGonagall's alarm went off at 6:30 AM. She quickly got up, dressed, and grabbed a sticker.

At 7:00 AM Snape's alarm clock went off. He cursed into his pillow and hit the snooze button. Then he remembered pancakes and practically jumped out of bed. Dressing didn't take long and he was soon rushing out of his room. As he went to close the door he paused. A shiny squirrel had appeared on his door. He tried to peel it off, but it seemed to have been charmed to stick very, very, very, very well. Fine then. If that's how she wanted it to be, he had some stickers of his own.

After breakfast McGonagall noticed that there was a dragon on the door to her classroom. When she entered the staffroom she found one also attached to her #1 Teacher coffee mug. She tapped her foot for a moment and then went to get more of her stickers.

On the first day of classes in the new school year many students were surprised to see cute animal stickers plastered all over the potions room. Other students wondered about the dragon stickers placed in prominent areas of the tranfiguration classroom. However, there were two stickers that had been placed in specifically chosen spots just a couple days before, and those two stickers would never be seen by any students.

(a couple of days ago)

"Hagrid! Hold him!" cried Professor McGonagall as Hagrid tried to keep a struggling Snape from slipping out of his grasp. Snape twisted and wriggled, but Hagrid managed to get the smaller professor's arms behind his back and hold them there tightly. Meanwhile McGonagall dug into her pocket and produced a sticker.

"No!" Snape screamed. 'Minerva, this is a definite invasion of personal space. This is harassment!"

Grabbing the collar of his robes McGonagall pulled down and branded Snape with an adorable tiger two inches below his right collarbone. Then she let go and stepped back. Hagrid loosened his hold and Snape broke free angrily. He pulled his collar down again and scowled at the sticker as he tried to rip it off.

"Don"t worry about it Severus, there's an extra stick charm on it. It shouldn't come off for a couple of years at least," said McGonagall grinning. She pulled Hagrid with her into the great hall for lunch. Snape continued scowling. He wasn't hungry anymore. He wasn't going to let her get away with that so easily. That evening he made a quick trip to the grocery store. When he returned to Hogwarts he went directly to Hagrid's hut and knocked on the door.

"Hullo, perfesser," welcomed the half-giant.

"Good evening, Hagrid," said Snape as friendly as he could manage. "I was wondering if you would mind sharing this cake with me. It's awfully big for one person."

"If yer offerin' I wouldn't mind havin' some o' that one bit." Hagrid led the way into his house and set the kettle on for tea. He had his suspicions about this sudden visit.

The next day after breakfast Hagrid stopped McGonagall in the hallway with some questions about the upcoming class schedules. He saw Snape sneaking up from behind the unknowing professor, but kept her distracted. When Snape had reached them and stood right behind her, Hagrid grabbed both of McGonagall's arms. With a cry of triumph Snape reached down the back of his colleague's robes, careful not to reach down too far, and stuck his last dragon on her right shoulder blade.

"Sorry, Professer McGonagall," said Hagrid apologetically as he let her go, "but I thought it best not to take sides in this one."

Snape smirked as Hagird went on his way and McGonagall put her hand up to feel the sticker now charmed to her back.

"It'll come off when you take the one on me off," he told her.

"Well, then, I guess I'll just have to live with it," she replied with her own smirk.


End file.
